Home > Community > Document: Good game, y'all. Or: honestly recounting my time on Marsxplr.com.
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I'm so sorry.
Submitted By Ender on 15/06/11
Mars Explorer, Ender, Documents 

TL;DR: Mars shaped my early teenage years. A summary of events that took place during my time. I'm a huge idiot and I'm sorry.
 
Okay, this will be totally honest as I look back upon my experiences and time here on this beautiful website. I wanted to write this because for most, if not all, of you, this will be the last time you hear from me or about me, and I want to apologise sincerely and be totally honest. 
 
In fourth grade, my elementary school downloaded a Widget called Mars Explorer onto their (now ancient, and then, still ancient) Apple computers. I thought it was cool, but I could only play for about an hour per week, since I couldn't use a computer at home, and daycare only allowed us into the computer lab for an hour every week.
 
When I was in sixth grade and got a laptop for "Congratulations on going to middle school!", I found Mars again. I was a socially awkward nerd growing up. I'd just switched schools, had barely any friends, was being emotionally abused by my parents, struggling with feeling wrong in my body, living with a severe chronic illness, and was recovering from bullying at my former school. Marsxplr was a haven to me. There, I could talk to people and be myself with other people, many of whom were equally socially awkward.
 
I officially joined in August 2010, right before seventh grade, when a player named Achilles convinced me to make an account. I thought of my at-the-time favourite author and favourite character, Ender Wiggin, whose struggle I strongly identified with. I joined with that username, and the fun began.
 
Every day after school, I came online, had great dogfights, enjoyed the drama on the forum. Every day after school, I met people with whom I could shoot the sh...crap and talk to about whatever the heck I wanted. I got into ACC in about October thanks to all the practice I was getting, and from then on, my journey began into a well-respected member of the community. I couldn't help but feel I was lying, somehow, as I allowed everyone to assume that I'm biologically male simply because "there are no girls/women on the internet", but I was happy anytime someone "mistook" my gender.
 
A lot of drama happened, basically, in those three years. One of my favourite memories of this place, now, is Christmas one year, when Stryker, Moonwalker, and someone else went on a forum rampage about I don't remember, I think someone said she was faking of dying of Stage IV lung cancer and she, Stryker, and that other person got immensely offended and...went on a rampage. I don't know if she actually had cancer or not, but at the time I was adamant that she clearly did not, and I'm sorry for that. At the time, I was very angry about that incident, but the team effort the community showed with hiding inflammatory posts is to me now beautiful, and it also shows what the community of Marsxplr was really like at that time: divided into ~two groups with a strong loyalty and teamwork for each other. I don't know the current climate of Mars, since I haven't been here for two years, but that was four-five years ago.
 
I like to think I chose the group that better influenced my growing up because it was full of "more mature-acting" people, but who knows? I may have done better with the other group, where I could have had the opportunity to actually act my age and "Free My Inner Child" or whatever. I was, however, acting my age: the pretentious thirteen year old who thinks he's better than everyone else (and has very low self-esteem) but whose behaviour is mistaken for maturity and confidence because he parrots the behaviours of those who are older (and that's all I was doing: parroting). Eventually, during the later years of my career here, I chatted with members of the other group as well, and was able to goof off with them, and when I did that, I felt strangely happy.
 
Due to my staunch insistence on using logic and entering debates to seem like the cool-headed robot I wanted to be seen as, I gained the respect of the older members of the community when I was allowed into a...wait, am I allowed to talk about this? Well, if I'm not, I knew I officially gained the respect of the Elders as 2010 turned into 2011. I witnessed my first Martian New Year, when the posts all said "Posted Last Year" (I would try to stick around and see it every year since, even if I didn't comment). I made it my goal, then, to be A Leader (not THE Leader, as those would always be Aubrey and Kruncher, but A Leader) of the Martian community, and even a moderator. In due time, I achieved the first goal, and was close to the second goal when I left.
 
I don't much remember 2011, to be quite honest with you guys. I found Reddit and the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (I now fundamentally disagree with its philosophy, but that's neither here nor there) that year, and spent time on those sites increasingly and Marsxplr.com less so. I continued gaining the respect of others and making friends. At that point, it was not for the sake of friendship and respect itself, it was only for, ultimately, modship and power over others.
 
2012 was uneventful, I don't remember much of it. I do remember that I showed my good friend Ssemodnar (it was supposed to be "randomness" backwards but she forgot an N. *holds up spork*) the game and that she joined then. Prior to that, I knew she was getting interested in playing it maybe-later, so I "came out" as "a girl" to make my friend not suspicious that I might be (oh no) a lesbian.
 
2013 is the year I left, after three whole years of being a member. That, at this point in time, is 1/6 of my life, or ~17% of all of my experiences, which is significant. That was the year Aubrey made Mars open-source, and some people (cough) started playing around with it and made a New Improved MarsHax. That was the year, also, that I realised I'm trans, that I came out to a few people (the first people I came out to were AJN_Mercedes, or Black_Dahlia, and Quantum), and that I had three kidney surgeries. I came out with a video as soon as I got a haircut, and the response was overwhelmingly positive. The only person that ever said anything negative was pocketMAD, and he was known for saying that sh...crap anyways. Thank you for that, everyone, you helped me gain the confidence to come out to more people.
 
Anyways, the hacking. That was a huge huge sh...crap-storm, ACE was hacking the game, people went insane about it and about him being disrespectful and everybody was horrible to everybody, and it was then, at that time, that I grew and saw that the group I had stuck with and idolised and become a highly regarded member of, was flawed and being just as horrible as the other side. But that was my chance to seize power, as I thought at that point, and began manipulating both sides to get me what I wanted: modship. Eventually, Kruncher put in a word for me with Aubrey, but I never did get moderatorship since I left, then.
 
I left because I had found a new group of friends in real life, and they took my time up. I also left because my time was taken up by school.
 
My legacy here isn't really that huge. I never made a club, for example, because I felt it was "silly" and "beneath me" and "all the good clubs are old now anyways", when I really should have. It would have been a valuable social experience to be a leader of something, but I guess I really enjoyed the challenge of fighting others up the power ladder. I did run Ectoshock off of here, as well, and that was, instead of a "misguided attempt at justice for his victims", a test of the power I had at Mars. I'm sorry.
 
I matured more over the three years I was here. When first I started, I was pretentious and withdrawn and affectless, and as I grew and talked and made friends, I started showing emotion more, and finally got to a point where I used "xD" (cringe) and enjoyed "random" humour. I'm glad I had that experience, brief as it was. Mars was my childhood when I had none at home due to illness, abuse, bullying, and gender. For that, I am very very grateful.
 
Not what you expected, right? I was pretty immature, though I may not have seemed that way. I manipulated people to get into a position of power and to get what I wanted, which I thought was for the good of the community, but at the same time I knew I was just being selfish and wanted power. The reason I left was not "because I realised the evil of my actions" or whatever. It was simply because I didn't have time for Mars anymore.
 
I'd like to sincerely apologise to everyone I've hurt in this community. All you've done for me is help me become a better person, and all I've done is contribute nothing but in selfishness. That is a legacy my father left me that is damaging to me as a person and to everyone else. All he does is manipulate for what he wants, and the last thing I want to be is him.
 
I would also like to thank Aubrey Falconer and everybody else here who I made friends with. I cannot name all of you, as there are so many great people I've met here.
 
Who am I now? I'm Mark, an eighteen year old, a senior in high school. I have two cats. I love math and physics, still. I'm a nerd for Marvel Comics. I've just filed for a name change and am becoming more physically male very soon by using testosterone. I had an accident last November, 2014, where I had brain damage, experienced Broca's aphasia (that cured itself, thank god) and near full blindness, and now I am permanently partially cortically blind and fully cortically night blind (talk about a humbling experience!). Also, my memory is kinda shot, so...anything I got wrong, let's blame it on the brain damage. I've grown as a person, and no longer try to do what I did here. 
 
I still keep in contact with a few members of this community. It's kinda weird how none of us turned out to be forty year old pedophile stalkers, as Quantum just put it (we're reminiscing right now). I'm still friends with Ssemodnar, who is working on Terrium with Eric, GTR, and others. I wish I could keep in touch with more of you, but not everybody has Skype or wants to talk to me on Skype. I'd also like to apologise to you guys for the non-genuine start to our friendship (it's genuine now, I promise, swear on everything. Swear on my cats. Swear on Matthew Murdock.).
 
I'd like to apologise to everyone I was friends with two years ago but am no longer, for the false friendship I had with you, and for the false enmity I had with those I bullied. I would love to start afresh, but that isn't realistic for a lot of you, since not everybody really wants to talk to me, not everybody will be able to talk to me, and most of you I probably won't talk to for more than a few conversations.
 
Thanks for listening to an old man ramble about his life. This took three hours to write and edit (and to think I'm having trouble writing my common app essays!).
 
Out with a bang lol.
 
I'm so sorry.
 
-Ender

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Re: Good game, y'all. Or: honestly recounting my time on Marsxplr.com.
1 week - 32,767v
Posted 2015/06/11 - 20:44 GMT
I had an accident last November, 2014, where I had brain damage, experienced Broca's aphasia (that cured itself, thank god) and near full blindness, and now I am permanently partially cortically blind and fully cortically night blind (talk about a humbling experience!). Also, my memory is kinda shot, so...anything I got wrong, let's blame it on the brain damage. I've grown as a person, and no longer try to do what I did here. 
 
Oh my god, that sounds terrible! I pity you.
 
Thanks for listening to an old man ramble about his life. This took three hours to write and edit (and to think I'm having trouble writing my common app essays!).
 
Old man? You were a girl before... so you converted into a man...? Uhm this is really weird... :|
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Re: Good game, y'all. Or: honestly recounting my time on Marsxplr.com.
1 week - 32,767v
Posted 2015/06/12 - 0:04 GMT
Yep, it's called being trans.
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Re: Good game, y'all. Or: honestly recounting my time on Marsxplr.com.
1 week - 32,767v
Posted 2015/06/12 - 0:13 GMT
So if I refer to you, do I say 'she' or 'he' or 'it'? Do I say 'he' now? But before I would say 'she' right? So before, I would say "she is Ender" but now I would say "he is Ender", right? Or should I just say "it is Ender"?
:P
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Re: Good game, y'all. Or: honestly recounting my time on Marsxplr.com.
2 days - 4,338v
Posted 2015/06/12 - 0:57 GMT
Pronouns are dependent on the person.  You should generally not assume male or female pronouns until you have actually met the person or thay have told you their preferred pronouns.  Until then, use something that is both gender-neutral and does not dehumanize the person.  "They/them" works very well for this purpose, and is how I try to refer to all my online friends until I learn otherwise.
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Re: Good game, y'all. Or: honestly recounting my time on Marsxplr.com.
1 week - 32,767v
Posted 2015/06/12 - 5:23 GMT
So there's that but I'm a guy and said so in my post, so use "he".
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Re: Good game, y'all. Or: honestly recounting my time on Marsxplr.com.
1 week - 32,767v
Posted 2015/06/11 - 20:50 GMT
It sucks that Mars is over. I came too late. Most of my time at Mars Explorer was when I was younger and didn't know as much, now that I know more, Mars is dead! I really hope Terrium suceeds! It has to!! Actually, why the heck did I made a site for Mars Explorer... instead there should be a link to Terrium and the Terrium forums would be the new home for us. Aagh whatever >.<
And Aubrey has done his thing and he won't come back until we bug him again. Or so I think.
 
I sent Flynnn messages about this... whatever it is... at Mars Explorer, on Bitfighter IRC (Flynn is often at #bitfighter with the name of Flynnn). Hopefully he reads it and finds Aubrey's Salaam and maybe writes his story.
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Re: Good game, y'all. Or: honestly recounting my time on Marsxplr.com.
4 weeks - 32,767v
Posted 2015/06/14 - 17:02 GMT
I read all.
 
Ender, you're WAY to hard on yourself. Neutralize that habit, will you? 
 
"My legacy here isn't really that huge." Bull!  (Top Grammar Nazi)  (Top Level Dogfighter)
 
AND, You were a good moderator by proxy! As we each make our posts and comments, it should be obvious that ALL IS FOGIVEN BY ALL, NO IFS, ANDS OR BUTS.
 
gg, krunch
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Re: Good game, y'all. Or: honestly recounting my time on Marsxplr.com.
6 days - 15,269v
Posted 2015/06/14 - 23:47 GMT
Sorry to hear about the emotional abuse.
 
For what it's worth, I've always thought you were an awesome and nice person. I couldn't count the number of foolish, immature, and pretentious things I've done (and still do) here. No worries though! We just gotta move on...
 
Take care Ender!
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Re: Good game, y'all. Or: honestly recounting my time on Marsxplr.com.
1 day - 3,291v
Posted 2015/07/02 - 9:10 GMT
Nice to know ender and I joined mars around the same time but i left around 2012-13 so ik most of those memories =^)
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You're certainly not an idiot and you have nothing to be sorry for
4 days - 9,791v
Posted 2015/08/26 - 14:55 GMT
You have nothing to be sorry for, you were awesome - or to put it more accurately, a pillar of the community. In my opinion you have a huge legacy. There isn't a martian worthy of note that wouldn't recognise your name with a smile. That's something that can't be said of everyone.
 
If anyone has to apologise for anything it's obviously me, but the way you handled the "sh...crap-storm" that I caused was, frankly, excellent. Your actions gave me a life-changing lesson and I should thank you for that. I just want you to know that you, among others, did improve me as a human being.
 
I'm really sorry to hear about your accident, that sounds awful. I really hope your life goes much more smoothly from now on.
I don't know if you're going to apply to a university but I really hope you go to a good one. In the time that I knew you, you were an excellent mathematician - don't let that go to waste!
 
To conclude, I still remember us as being friends - not "false-friends." Every time skype tells me you've come online I think about trying to start a conversation but I never have done - if you do want to talk feel free to shoot me a message.
 
Thanks for the memories!
 
(Edit: sorry for the bump)

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